Two Questions to Help You Gain Perspective.

What do near-fatal incidents, self reflection and death all have in common? They all, for me at least, help to put life into perspective. Each of these offers a different view point, for example a close encounter might help us to realise what really matters to us and what isn’t worth the stress. Similarly, self reflection can help us see where we may be wasting time or opportunities and how we can improve on that.

I don’t know if it is just me, but when somebody I’m close to passes away, I cease worrying about all my little problems and stop thinking that the world owes me a favour. Instead, I feel inspired to make the most of this opportunity, because it can disappear at any time.

It is as if the illusion and distorted view I have of reality starts to sink away and things start to become clear.

Over the last year, quite a few people have passed away and moved on to some other place. Yet, up until very recently I never realised quite what it was about death that inspired me to take action in life and stop taking the things that matter to me for granted. The effects of this inspiration never seemed to last very long, but I was always curious about what it was.

After sitting down and pondering over this for a while, the answer hit me. I came across a very simple, yet elegant understanding for what was happening: I was aligning myself with truth.

That is it, the catalyst of life that hit me when someone close passed away. I was simply seeing reality in its true form. The truth that:

• The little problems we have in life really aren’t that important
• Our time on earth is fragile and we should make the most of it
• This is it, this is life, right now

There were more things that became clear to me, but those are arguably the most important. Once I had this realisation, I started to look at how I can apply this simple understanding of truth to propel me to take action in life. After all, simply telling ourselves to “make the most of this opportunity” rarely results in some continued, effective, output.

I decided to look at my current situation and I formed two questions that helped me to really put things into perspective. I believe that everyone can benefit from answering these, the key being that you need to apply the principle of truth in your responses. If you don’t, the only person you are fooling, is you.

Question 1: If someone had a video tape of your typical day, what would they see?

I’m not talking about some bad habits you might have or an argument with a family member, instead I’m referring to your productive actions. Would they see you working hard at in your day job? Would they see you wasting time on irrelevant activities? Would they see you taking action or being complacent because you don’t believe in yourself?

I don’t know what it is about this question, but when I asked it to myself, the answer wasn’t pretty. I realised that in my typical day I can let the smallest things get me down, I waste time checking email that doesn’t need to be read, just to feel busy and so on. I take for granted the roof over my head, the food on the table and the abundance of clothes I can put on every morning.

“How you live each day is, of course, how you live your life”

It is only through honest self-assessment through this question that you can realise where your shortcomings may lie. After that, it is down to you to take this realisation and use it to help you take action and change things for the better.

Question 2: Based on your current actions and behaviours, where would you expect to be in five years?

Note that this isn’t asking where you would like to be; this is taking into consideration your current efforts and looking at where you would expectto be. As with the previous question, answering this requires you being totally truthful.

Unlike my response to the first question, my answer to this was fairly positive. I took out a piece of paper and jotted down both the question and my response. My reply basically stated that I was heading in the right direction (I work for myself and try to help people through my blog) but I could be doing much more.

“You can’t escape the consequences of your actions.”

- Steve Pavlina

Because my business operates solely online, I would often waste time on sites like Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon and even instant messaging clients. I decided to push these out of my life, and even set myself a 7-day self-discipline challenge where I would not use them at all.

If I kept up my current actions for the next five years then I might be maintaining a steady passive income and have helped thousands of people live up to their true potential. Yet, it would actually take the five years, whereas this is probably something I could do in the next one or two.

It is only through giving a truthful answer to this question that I can fix my flaws, rather than living in the illusion that I’m doing my best or everything is as good as it can be.

It may be the case that you’re happy with the answers you’ve written down or worked out, and if so, congratulations. Keep doing what you’re doing. On the other hand, I suspect a lot of people won’t be proud of the results after honestly giving this exercise some thought. If that’s you, then you’ve now taken the first and quite possibly the hardest step to rectify the situation and start creating the life you’re meant to live.

I truly hope that everyone who has taken the time to really ponder over these internal enquiries has benefited from gaining a new, honest perspective about their lives. Now it’s just up to change the things that you feel you should…

How to Change Your Life: A User’s Guide

‘You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.’ ~Mike Murdock

Start with a simple statement: what do you want to be?

Are you hoping to someday be a writer, a musician, a designer, a programmer, a polyglot, a carpenter, a manga artist, an entrepreneur, an expert at something?

How do you get there? Do you write your intention on a piece of paper, and put it in a bottle and launch it to sea, hoping it will manifest? No. The universe isn’t going to make this happen. You are.

Do you set yourself a big goal to complete by the end of the year, or in three months? Sure, but that doesn’t get the job done. In fact, if you think back on most examples in your life, setting big long-term goals probably doesn’t work very often. How many times has this strategy been successful?

I’m going to lay down the law here, based on many many experiments I’ve done in the last 7 years: nothing will change unless you make a daily change.

I’ve tried weekly action steps, things that I do every other day, big bold monthly goals, lots of other permutations. None of them work except daily changes.

If you’re not willing to make it a daily change, you don’t really want to change your life in this way. You only like the idea of learning to draw/speak Japanese/play guitar/program in php/etc. You don’t really want to do it.

So make a daily change. Let’s dig into how it’s done!

How to Turn an Aspiration Into a Daily Change

Let’s name a few aspirations:

• lose weight
• write a book
• stop procrastinating
• fall in love
• be happy
• travel the world
• drink more water
• learn Spanish
• save money
• take more pictures
• read more books

How do you turn those lofty ideas into daily changes? Think about what you could do every day that would make the change happen, or at least get you closer to the goal. Sometimes that’s not always easy, but let’s look at some ideas:

• lose weight – start walking every day, for 10 minutes at first, then 15 after a week, then 20 … once you are walking for 30-40 minutes a day, make another change — drink water instead of soda.
• write a book – write for 10 minutes a day.
• stop procrastinating – I can already hear the ironic (and original!) jokes about how people will deal with procrastination later (har!). Anyway, a daily action: set a Most Important Task each morning, then work on it for 10 minutes before opening your browser/mobile device.
• fall in love – go somewhere each day and meet/social with new people. Or do daily things that make you a fascinating person.
• be happy – do something each day to make the world better, to help people.
• travel the world – save money (see next item). Or start selling your stuff, so you can carry your belongings on a backpack and start hitchhiking.
• save money – start cutting out smaller expenses. Start cooking and eating at home. Sell your car and bike/walk/take the train. Start looking for a smaller home. Do free stuff instead of buying things.
• drink more water – drink water when you wake up, then every time you take a break (once an hour).
• learn Spanish – study Spanish sentences in Anki and listen to Pimsleur tapes 10 minutes a day.
• take more pictures – take pictures at lunch (but dear jeebus, not of your lunch) and post them to your blog.
• read more books – read every morning and before you go to bed.

You get the idea. Not all of these are perfect ideas, but you could come up with something that works better for you. Point is, do it daily.

How to Implement Daily Changes

This method is fairly simple, and if you really implement it, nearly foolproof:

1. One Change at a Time. You can break this rule, but don’t be surprised if you fail. Do one change for a month before considering a second. Only add another change if you were successful at the first.
2. Start Small. OK, I’ve said this two bajillion times. No one ever does it, though. Start with 10 minutes or less. Five minutes is better if it’s a hard change. If you fail at that, drop it to 2 minutes.
3. Do it at the same time each day. OK, not literally at the same minute, like at 6:00 a.m., but after the same trigger in your daily routine — after you drink your first cup of coffee in the morning, after you arrive at work, after you get home, after you brush your teeth, shower, eat breakfast, wake up, eat lunch, turn on your computer, first see your wife each day.
4. Make a huge commitment to someone. Or multiple people. Make sure it’s someone whose opinion you respect. For example, I made a commitment to studying/coding PHP at least 10 minutes each day to my friend Tynan. I’ve made commitments to my wife, to other friends, to readers of this blog, to readers of a newspaper on Guam, to my kids, and more.
5. Be accountable. Taking my programming example with Tynan … each day I have to update a Google spreadsheet each day showing how many minutes I programmed/studied each day, and he can (and does) check that shared spreadsheet. The tool you use doesn’t matter — you can post to Facebook or Twitter, email someone, mark it on a calendar, report in person. Just make sure you’re accountable each day, not each month. And make sure the person is checking. If they don’t check on you, you need to find a new accountability partner or group.
6. Have consequences. The most important consequence for doing or not doing the daily habit is that if you don’t, the people will respect you less, and if you do, they’ll respect you more. If your accountability system isn’t set up this way, find another way to do it. You might need to change who you’re accountable to. But you can add other fun consequences: one friend made a promise to Facebook friends that he’d donate $50 to Mitt Romney’s campaign (this was last year) each time he didn’t follow through on a commitment. I’ve made a promise to eat whale sushi (I won’t fail, because eating a whale is repugnant to me, like eating a cow or a child). I’ve promised to sing a Japanese song in front of strangers if I failed. The consequences can also be positive — a big reward each week if you don’t miss a day, for example. Make the consequences bigger if you miss two straight days, and huge if you miss three.
7. Enjoy the change. If you don’t do this, you might as well find another change to make. If the daily action feels tedious and chore-like, then you are doing it wrong. Find a way to enjoy it, or you won’t stick to it long. Or find some other change you enjoy more.

That’s it. Seven pretty simple steps, and you’ve got a changed life. None of these steps is impossible — in fact, you can put them into action today.

What daily change will you make today?

‘A year from now you will wish you had started today.’ ~Karen Lamb

5 Excuses that Keep You Unhealthy (and How to Destroy Them)

Each and every one of us, as a human being, is hardwired to choose the path of least resistance. We’re programmed to conserve energy for when we might need it and to avoid risk wherever possible, because that’s what it took for our ancestors to survive (and reproduce) in a world full of unknown dangers.

Today, it’s why the status quo — tested, predictable, familiar — is so comfortable. And it’s why we find change so difficult, even when our very livesdepend on changing.

I’m referring, of course, to our health.

As Steven Pressfield and Seth Godin have so gracefully written, we procrastinate because somewhere deep down, we’re afraid to start. Theresistance, or lizard brain, will fight tooth and nail to keep us right where we are. Because change is risky, and where we are is safe.

But when it comes to health, where we are isn’t safe. Known, sure. But not safe.

The excuses we use to justify one more pack of cigarettes, one more TV show, or another quick spin through the drive-through window (it’s convenient, and I had a rough day) are the tools of this fear. What we say to distract ourselves, to make it feel alright for now, is nothing more than a smokescreen.

It’s time to cut through the haze. What follows is a list of five of the most common, most debilitating excuses and fears that keep people unhealthy and powerless to change. Find the one that’s holding you back, and see it for the sham that it is.

1. “Before I can start, I’ve got to plan.”

Sure, planning is important. But right now, it’s just procrastination.

You know how it goes: “Before I start, I need to get workout clothes that fit. And shoes. And join a gym. And load some new songs on my iPod. Then I’ll get a meal plan and go shopping, and I’ll be ready to start!”

Maybe you do need all that stuff. But first, just start.

It’s easy: go outside and start walking or get on your bike. Go in one direction for just five minutes — fast when you want, slow when you want. Enjoy yourself — play — then turn around and come home. Do it again the next day, and the day after that, feeling free to gradually do more as your body allows you to.

Build some momentum by doing something small every day. Then, and only then, should you think about planning.

2. “I’m so out of shape, it’s overwhelming to think about getting healthy.”

Right now, don’t focus on getting in shape. The important thing is to take the first step.

Look at it as an experiment: commit to eating well or exercising for just one week, to see how it goes. Be curious and be playful, but really commit to it: set some ground rules, tell other people about it, and don’t cheat.

Forget any long-term health goals right now. Just take note of how you feel, paying particular attention to your mood and mindset — that’s where the changes will show up first.

When the time is up, congratulate yourself for sticking with it. If at this point you’re not excited to keep going, you can stop without feeling guilty and change your approach.

But maybe you feel lighter. More energetic. Happier. These incremental benefits are immediate, no matter how far away you are from whatever your ideal is.

So what would happen if you did this again for two weeks, or 30 days? Try it again, with the same strong commitment, and evaluate again when you reach the end.

The great thing about this approach is that it shifts the focus to the process, not the outcome, and at the same time prevents you from ever feeling like you’re locked into something that you don’t enjoy.

3. “I don’t know how to cook, nor do I have time for it.”

I believe you. You don’t have two hours each night to spend preparing a gourmet meal for your family, nor are you a master of matching flavors and textures to create beautiful, perfect dishes that are also healthy.

But I bet you can follow instructions. Find five minutes to search this site and others for simple recipes. Many won’t take you even half an hour to prepare.

Here are just a few examples of delicious, nutritious meals that don’t take much active time to make:

• Smoothies
• Beans and rice
• A grain, a green, and a bean
• Soup
• Slow cooker stews

Look at cooking as an opportunity to work with your hands and to be present in the moment, focusing on that one thing only.

Enjoy the smells, the textures, the process. The occasional Sunday when I spend three hours in the kitchen making pasta or vegetable lasagna from scratch is the most meditative time of my entire week.

4. “People will laugh at me when I exercise because I’m out of shape.”

A few might laugh. They’ll do so because of some insecurity of their own. But most people are so distracted and focused on their own lives that they won’t even notice you.

Of those who do pay attention to you, the vast majority will be inspired, and they will envy your determination. No joke.

Five-million-plus people watch The Biggest Loser each week. Are they doing it for laughs? No, they watch because it motivates them, even if they never take action.

When people see you working hard to get in shape, it reminds them that somewhere, they’ve got that fight in them too. Without realizing it, even if you’re doing this only for yourself, you become a leader by example. People are drawn to that.

I know, it feels like everyone’s watching you, judging you. But trust me: inside, they’re cheering for you.

5. “I’d like to exercise with a group or class, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up.”

The quickest way to get better at something is to hang around people who are getting the results that you want. (You’ve heard it before, right? If you want to know your weight, add up your five closest friends’ weights, divide by five, and you probably won’t be far off.)

But with groups comes the fear of being “the weak one.” The one who can’t keep up, the one holding everyone else back. Most of us have been there at some time, and it’s no fun.

So how do you get past this fear?

Accept it and face it. Let the group know, beforehand, that you think you might have trouble keeping up. Tell them that if they need to go ahead, you won’t be offended, you’re just thrilled to work out with them and learn from them.

With that, it’s out in the open, no longer something to be ashamed of. Gone are the pain and potential injury of pushing yourself too hard in attempt to avoid embarrassment. And it probably won’t be long until you’re helping someone else who is new and afraid.

Go

The time to take that first step is today. If a flaw in your excuse has been exposed, take advantage of it now, before your fear can come up with a better one.

Getting yourself to start is the hardest part. As you begin to experience results and your new habits are reinforced, it becomes easy. You’ll discover that the more energy you use, the more you have, and being healthy is actually really fun.

Sure, it’s possible that you’ll stumble at first. Getting in shape isn’t as easy as watching TV, or eating whatever you want. But that’s okay.

The trick isn’t to never fall down, it’s to never stay down. When you mess up, use it as an opportunity to adapt and improve, not as a reason to quit.

And when the excuses crop up, step back, smile to yourself, and see them for what they are — a last-ditch effort by the old you, the comfortable, change-fearing you, to go back to the way things used to be.

Stop believing your excuses. Start.

Be Inspired

You are overcome with laziness and procrastination, feeling unmotivated, stuck, can’t get started.
You are not alone. This is a commonality in the human condition, and the solution is elusive, never standing still and not wanting to be easily caught.
You are not alone, but in this union with your brothers and sisters, there is hope. I’m among you, and I have found a few meager solutions. And if I can solve this problem, so can you. If others have beaten it, you can.

These are ways I’ve found inspiration.
one: This morning as I sat down to write I had some ideas for posts but wasn’t excited about any of them. So I asked on Twitter, “What are you having problems with that I can help with?” Several people responded with things like laziness, motivation, procrastination, getting started. Having something to help with inspired me to write.
lesson: Inspiration can come from finding a way to help others.

two: My eight-year-old son was looking bored, and I asked about a (short) novel he’s been reading. He showed me the book and I challenged him to read four chapters today. His face lit up and he got to reading.
lesson: Creating a challenge can be an inspiration.

three: I have problems with procrastination, just like anyone else. I usually solve it when 1) I crystalize in my mind what I most want to be doing right now and what is most important; 2) I clear away all other distractions; and 3) I get started. As I began writing this post, I closed all other browser tabs (bookmarked ones I want to read later) and opened only the “new post” page in WordPress. Then I clicked on the “fullscreen” button so that everything but the writing box disappeared. Then I entered “Presentation Mode” in Google Chrome, so that everything else on my computer screen faded away. Now it’s just me and these words.
lesson: Clear away everything else and just create.

four: In the morning I sometimes feel lazy when I’ve told myself I want to exercise, stretch, or meditate. I don’t feel motivated. So instead of motivating myself to do something that might take 10, 20 or 30 minutes, I just focus on the smallest action: starting. To meditate or stretch, I just need to put my butt on the pillow (on the floor). To exercise, I just need to lace up my shoes and get out the door. Once I start, the rest is easy, and I’m always glad I did.
lesson: Get your butt on the pillow. Don’t wait for motivation, just start. Motivation will come.

five: As I began to write this morning I heard what sounded like opera music streaming through the walls from my neighbor’s house. What a lovely sound to write to! I immediately began playing some opera of my own, and the uplifting beauty infused my act of creation.
lesson: Surround yourself by inspiration. Music, art, great books, fascinating people.

six: When I feel lazy and don’t want to do anything, I remind myself of the gift I’ve been given. I live an amazing life, and to be given the joy of this world and the people around me, is a complete and utter miracle. Then I ask myself, “Is this how I want to use this miracle?” What a complete waste of something so perfect, so profound, to spend the little time I have in this life on pointlessness and laziness. I don’t mind doing nothing, if it is a nothing that makes me happy. But I also want to create, to help people, to be compassionate towards others, to do something fulfilling and joyous. And so I do.
lesson: Be grateful for the miracle of your life, and ask yourself how you want to spend it. Then get to creating, to making lives better.

seven: I read blogs by fascinating people doing inspired things. Often they will write about something they’re working on, and it sparks an idea in me, makes me want to do something really cool too. Yesterday this happened and I’ve spent hours now dreaming up something big. It might never happen, but that’s not the important thing. Because I surround myself (virtually) with inspired people, I’m more likely to be hit by inspiration.
lesson: Don’t wait for inspiration to strike — you have to meet it halfway. If you want to be hit by lightning, go out in a thunderstorm with a metal rod. Scream at the thundering gods, daring them to strike you.

The Most Important Skill to Master

‘You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.’ ~Buddha

If you’re like me, you are constantly learning new skills — gardening, carpentry, pizza-making, languages, sports, and so on. And I think this is a fun and wonderful thing to do.

But what’s the most important skill?

That’s debatable. I think compassion is a huge one, as is mindfulness. I’d go with those two any day of the week.

But if I had to pick just one, it would be this: learning to be happy with yourself.

That seems too simple, to trite! Too mushy and New-Agey! And I’ll grant all of that, but I stand firmly by my pick.

Why? The answer has to do with how this one thing can affect everything else in your life. If you are not happy with yourself, or your body, you become insecure. You think you’re not good enough. You fear being abandoned and alone. You do lots of other things to compensate, and these lead to problems.

So many of the problems people have stem from this one thing — being unhappy with themselves (often in the form of being unhappy with their bodies). Let’s take a look at why, and then look at some ideas of how to master the skill.

Why It Affects Everything

Let’s say you’re unhappy with your body. You think you are too fat, or too skinny, or your butt is too small (or too big). Or your boobs are too small, or your pecs aren’t big enough. Your stomach is flabby, or loose, or covered in stretch marks. Your thighs are too thick. Your hips are too wide, or too narrow. The list goes on and on.

We’ll get into why we’re unhappy in a minute, but for now, just imagine the unlikely scenario that you’re unhappy with your body. What does that do to you? Well, you might be envious of other people (who, you know, are also unhappy with their bodies). You might be worried that you’re not attractive enough to meet someone, and therefore sabotage your chances for a relationship. If you’re in a relationship, you might think your boyfriend/girlfriend will leave you for someone more attractive. You might then act jealously, and do things out of this jealousy that actually leads to your partner being unhappy, and possibly eventually leaving you.

If you’re unhappy with your body, you might not want to look at it. You might obsessively under eat, and then binge eat, and then feel worse about yourself. You might avoid exercise because you don’t want to even think about the problem. You might eat junk food to comfort your bad feelings, and then make the health problems worse.

You might have anxiety about all of this, about your body, your health, your girlfriend leaving you. Then you eat more to assuage the anxiety, and it gets worse. Or you shop to make yourself feel better, and you get deeply in debt and your life fills with clutter. Or you drink alcohol or numb yourself with drugs or television so you don’t have to think about all this.

At work, you’re unhappy because you aren’t confident about yourself or your body, so you don’t do the things that require confidence and that would further your career. You might not leave your work to find work you’re more passionate about, because you don’t think you’re good enough. Even at the work you’re in, you do what you can to not think about the unhappiness you have, so you procrastinate with social networks, games, and other diversions.

There’s much more that’s possible, but you get the idea. Not everyone has all of these symptoms, but they’re possible for anyone. Many of our problems stems from this one problem, and fixing it can change everything.

That’s why, if you have a finite amount of time to learn (and we all do), investing that time into learning this one skill can pay off in innumerable ways. It’s the most important skill you can master.

Why We’re Like This

If this is so bad, why are we like this? How did it get this way? Well, there’s no one answer. It’s a building up of lots of reasons, including:

• Mass media. We see beautiful celebrities with perfect faces, stomachs, thighs, abs, chests and asses all over the place — on the Internet, on TV and movies, in magazines. Everywhere. They’re celebrated as the pinnacle of our society, and we all want to be them in some way. They’re not real, of course — they’re Photo shopped, make-upped, did upped in so many ways that what we see is an illusion. We’re comparing ourselves to an illusion. But even if they were, why would we need to be like them? Why can’t we be like ourselves, and let that be the ideal?
• Comments from others. Friends, family members, co-workers, even spouses might make a seemingly innocent comment about our butt or boobs that makes us feel bad about ourselves. These comments are small but hit our self-esteem very hard. They’re not really about us, though, even if we almost always take them to heart. They’re about the other person, who is having a bad day, or jealous of you, or projecting their own insecurities on you, or comparing you to the mass media celebrities they idolize for no good reason. See these comments for what they are, and don’t take them to heart.
• Childhood incidents. In childhood, perhaps our parents made some comments about us that made us feel bad. Perhaps our parents got a divorce, or our dad was never around — if dad left mom, maybe that meant she wasn’t good enough for him, and by extension maybe I’m not good enough for someone else? If dad left, maybe it’s because I wasn’t good enough for him? This might sound like psychological mumbo-jumbo, but it’s real. I’ve experienced it, and so have countless others. It doesn’t mean we have to let it rule our lives, but we should be aware that it’s there, and learn to deal with it.
• Failures. Perhaps we’ve made some mistakes and failed at some things we tried to do. Honestly, everyone does, but when we do it, we take it to heart. It makes us feel bad about ourselves — we’re not disciplined, we’re not good enough. This leads to further failures, further hurting our self-image.
• Health problems. While having thick thighs or a bit of flab on the tummy is nothing to feel bad about — love how you look! — a completely separate problem from how we feel about our bodies is the health of our bodies. We tend to mix them together — being fat makes us feel bad about ourselves, for example — but really they can be separated. We can feel good about our bodies but realize that being overweight can lead to heart disease and diabetes down the road, so it only makes sense to lose some weight. Not because we want to look like a celebrity and feel better about ourselves, but because we want to be healthy. Being healthy, by the way, can help your self-image, and even though I said they can be separated, this is one positive benefit from conflating the two that you should accept happily.
• Spiral of negative thoughts. One bad thought leads to another, and then another, until we have a bundle of bad thoughts that become our self-image. This negative self-image can affect everything we do. But this self-image and these bad thoughts are not us — they are things that happen within us, but we don’t have to let them become us. We can cope with them, and turn them into positive thoughts, into gratitude, into happiness.

These are just a few reasons. In fact, so many things affect our self-image that it’s impossible to list them all, but it’s good to start to be aware of them, so we can cope with them.

How to Master the Skill

Let’s say you’ve accepted my premise that learning to be happy with yourself (let’s call it “love thyself”) is the most important skill to master … how do you get started?

The simple answer is practice. The complicated answer is that it takes awhile, because our self-image wasn’t formed overnight and it won’t be changed overnight. That’s OK. Just focus on this moment, and you’ll learn as you go.

I can’t give you a complete guide to learning to love thyself, as that would take a book, and I’m still learning myself, but here are some tips for starting out:

1. Become aware of your mental movie. You have a movie (perhaps a series of them) that you play inside your head about yourself. Usually we aren’t aware of this, but it happens, throughout the day. The movie is about who we are: you have a flabby stomach, you are fat, you are too skinny, you aren’t disciplined, you aren’t lovable, your braces look weird, you aren’t good at anything. Start to pay attention when this movie plays — it affects everything you do. Realize that this movie isn’t you — it’s just playing in your head. Realize that it isn’t true, and isn’t based on reality. Realize that it can be changed.
2. Start to make a new movie. This new movie will replace that play-out old one that keeps running in your theater. It will be a Michael Bay production, with a gorgeous lead actor (hey, that’s you!), great visual effects, lots of excitement … except with more character development and a lot smaller budget. Let’s base this movie on reality, not fears from childhood or illusions of celebrities or comments from others. Instead, it should be based on the fact that you are a good person, wonderful even, who is loving, kind, beautiful, passionate. This might not be what you think about yourself, but let’s make the movie like this anyway. Ask other people why you’re lovable (people who are likely to give a kind answer). Use these images in your new movie. When negative images start coming up (my boobs are too small!), cut them out and tell them they have no place in your production. Put better images in.
3. Consciously play the new movie. Learn to recognize the flicker of the old movie starting, and shut it off. Put the new movie in the projector instead, and play it. Practice this like it’s your new religion. You will get better with constant practice. Put up reminders all around you so you don’t forget.
4. Learn mental judo. There will be things coming in all around you that will try to attack your new movie. Comments from friends, celebrities, things you see on Face book. When they are hurtling towards you, learn to lean to one side and let them whiz by. Give them a small shove, with a thought like, “That comment is not about me, it’s about you.” (And then go give your friend a hug — she’s probably having a bad day.) Or a thought like, “That celebrity probably is also worried about her body — having big boobs or a flat stomach doesn’t solve that problem.” Give the celebrity a mental hug, then play your new movie.

You are already perfect — you just need to realize it. You don’t need anything to solve this problem — you already have it. You just need to practice, like it’s the most important thing in your life, because in many ways, it is.

How to Stick to a Habit When Life Falls Apart

‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’ ~Winston Churchill

We’d like to think that making positive life changes is a straight line from beginning to where we want to go.

But life has taught us differently.

Experience shows us that you can start a new habit (let’s say working out) and things go great for awhile, and then life gets in the way. Things get messy. Things fall apart. We have a few bad days, or a huge project to work on at work, or relationship problems, or a family crisis, or we get sick.

What do we do when life gets messy and our habits fall to the wayside? Well, give up, obviously.

Actually, I take that back. We tend to give up, because when things get in the way and we mess up on our habits, it’s a little discouraging, even depressing.

But it doesn’t have to be. There are a few things you can do instead:

1. Breathe. Pause for a moment, breathe, focus on the breath. Know that you are OK, in this moment. Give yourself a moment’s space to think about what’s going on in your life, and who you are.
2. Give yourself a break. If things like relationship problems get in the way of your habits, allow yourself to pause the habits until you get your life in order and let your mind rest. Rest is important. Get plenty of sleep — this is important, because when stressful things are happening in our lives, our bodies and minds need plenty of rest to heal.
3. Know that every habit has bumps in the road. There’s never a perfectly smooth path with no bumps. Seriously, no habit goes on a perfectly straight line — at least, none that I’ve created, and none that anyone I know has created. Expect the bumps, and don’t let them end everything.
4. Allow yourself to experience the messy. Things will always come up, life gets messy, painful things happen. That’s OK. Give yourself the space to experience the pain with the joy, the mess with the beauty.
5. Find a friend to help you get on track. It’s great if you can do habits by yourself, but it’s even better if you can find a friend who will do it with you, or at least hold you accountable, and help you get things back on track once things clear up for you.
6. Keep smiling!. That’s the most important thing. Smile, and you’re doing it right.

Zen Mind in the Middle of Chaos & Stress