Flowing with the Stresses of Kids (or anyone else)

 

Kids throw tantrums, demand to have their way, don’t see anything but their own point of view, break things, always need something, get hurt, fight with each other, start to rebel and become disrespectful as teen-agers, and so on.
But there are good bits too.
The truth is, dealing with the stresses of kids is the same as dealing with the stresses of anyone else. The stress is just magnified because 1) we are responsible for their lives, education, values and everything else, and 2) we are more emotionally involved with them than we are with most other people. Still, the basics of dealing with the stresses of others apply, and what we’ll talk about here can apply to anyone, not just someone with kids.
OK, let’s tackle this problem … we’re going to look at two areas: 1) how to deal with the stresses of others, and 2) how to make managing kids easier.

Stresses of Others

In her book Everyday Zen, Charlotte Joko Beck tells a story that I’ll paraphrase here:
Imagine you’re rowing a boat on a foggy lake, and out of the fog comes another boat that crashes into you! At first you’re angry at the fool who crashed into you — what was he thinking! You just painted the boat. But then you notice the boat is empty, and the anger leaves … you’ll have to repaint the boat, that’s all, and you just row around the empty boat. But if there were a person steering the boat, we’d be angry!
Here’s the thing: the boat is always empty. Whenever we interact with other people who might “do something to us” (be rude, ignore us, be too demanding, break our favorite coffee cup, etc.), we’re bumping into an empty boat. We just think there’s some fool in that boat who should have known better, but really it’s just a boat bumping into us, no harm intended by the boat.
That’s a hard lesson to learn, because we tend to imbue the actions of others with a story of their intentions, and how they should have acted instead. We think they’re out to get us, or they should base their lives around being considerate to us and not offending us. But really they’re just doing their thing, without bad intent, and the boat just happens to bump into us.
When we see things with this lens, they suddenly become emptied of anger and stress. Our boss was rude? Empty boat, just respond appropriately, don’t imbue with a story. Kid throws a tantrum? Empty boat, just breathe and find the appropriate, non-angry response.
This is detachment. It’s seeing the actions and words of others as just phenomena happening outside of us, like a leaf falling or the wind blowing. We don’t get angry at the wind for blowing, and yet the blowing does affect us. Let the actions of your kid be the wind blowing — you just need to find an appropriate response, rather than being stressed that this phenomenon is happening.
So when your kid is doing something other than what you’d like, let go of that desired outcome that’s stressing you out, and let go of the story you’ve imbued into their actions. Just think, “Empty boat, wind blowing.”
And then give them a hug. Let love guide your actions. Teach, don’t control. Set an example of how they should behave with your compassionate response. They’re watching you, not listening to your words, and that’s how they learn.

Making Things Easier

The skills above take practice, and I’m still learning them myself. I don’t claim to be the best at them, but the learning itself is a good process to go through.
With all of that said, there are some things you can do to make managing kids easier and less stressful:

• Teach them to be self-sufficient. Each step along the way, teach them to take care of themselves according to their ability to learn new skills. If they learn to brush their teeth, shower, fix their breakfast, wash their dishes, and eventually cook and clean and wash their own clothes, life becomes much easier.
• Set boundaries. There are certain lines they shouldn’t cross for safety reasons, and the earlier you can teach these lines, the better. Then there are softer lines that are inappropriate to cross — being disrespectful of others, damaging property, etc. — and for these lines, it’s good to teach them as early as possible why it’s bad to cross the lines. Repetition is key, and eventually they learn and things are easier for all concerned.
• Give them responsibility. Older kids can watch younger kids. Kids can pitch in with family chores, like sweeping and washing dishes and wiping counters and cleaning bathrooms. This is good for them, as it teaches them to be a part of a team and take pride in their work, while it reduces the load for you.
• Don’t schedule too much. Many parents overbook their kids, with practices and lessons and clubs and playdates and sports and recitals and much more. This gives the kids no time to play and invent on their own, and makes life much more stressful for the parent. Schedule as little as possible, and let them figure out how to use their time.
• Relax your expectations. Parents tend to expect the world of their kids, from how successful they’ll be to how perfect they’ll be at skills to how little they’ll mess up with things around the house to how perfect they’ll behave. Of course, none of these expectations is realistic, nor fair to the kid. Let them go. Accept them for who they are, and just have a good time with them.

I say all these things like I’ve perfected them, but of course I haven’t. I have a wonderful set of kids, and I know I’m lucky. I’m also lucky to have an amazing wife, Eva, who bears the brunt of the stress and makes things so much easier for me. But when the things above work, they work great.
Parenting can be stressful, but it can also be joyful. I choose joyful.

How to Stop Acting Like Such a Big Baby

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” —Dale Carnegie

If we really want to be happy, why do we act like such babies?
We can claim to be proactive in our life by settings goals and going after what we want. But if we’re always whining and complaining all the time, are we really living effectively?
If you don’t believe me, count how many times you complain about something or other in one day. Whether it be being stuck in traffic, being bothered by the weather, not enough mustard on your sandwich, or whatever it is, there are endless instances where you can find a reason to complain.
But it’s not just outside circumstances that we complain about. We complain about about ourselves too. We complain that we don’t have enough time, we don’t have enough money (this one is huge because it’s often “true”), that we’re not smart enough, cool enough, or just enough.
I know I’ve experienced plenty of unpleasantness due to complaining about things I can’t control. I never really thought about it much until I found this website about “living in a complain free world.”
Imagine how much happier you would be if you simply stopped complaining? Much of what you complain about is outside of your control anyway. What’s the point of brooding about something you have no power to change? Not very intelligent, if you ask me.
Simply becoming conscious of how much you complain is the first step to stopping. When you recognize that you’re complaining, stop and take notice of it. Ask yourself if you would rather complain, or be happy.
Are you ready to live a complaint-free, happier life?
The two steps to stop whining so much:

1. Make it a priority to notice every time you complain or unnecessarily criticize. This includes judging others. Now, every time you catch yourself complaining, just stop and notice it.
2. After you’ve noticed yourself complaining, ask yourself this: Is there anything I can do about what I’m complaining about, or it outside of my control? If there is something you can do about it, do it. If there is nothing you can do, let it go.

Obviously, this is a little easier said than done. Complaining is an addiction and a hard habit to break. Like any other habit to break, it will take time.
Even though it may be a long time (or possibly never) before you’re living completely complaint-free, that’s still okay. The good news is this isn’t all-or-nothing. Even 10% less complaining will have an immediate positive impact on your life. Then, once you’ve decreased your whining by 10%, you can keep bootstrapping your way down to complaining less and less.
After complaints show up less and less, something awesome starts to happen. Once your mind realizes that you won’t tolerate its moaning, it will begin to give up its efforts. (Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of complaining that you’re complaining.)
So the question is: Would you rather complain or be happy?
(Oh and by the way, having gratitude is a great way to stop complaining.)

How To Make It Impossible To Fail

It’s funny how long two minutes can be.

Just a few weeks ago, a package arrived: a Sonicare EasyClean Toothbrush. The toothbrush has an automatic timer which dings every thirty seconds until two minutes have passed.

It’s a strange thing, the mental passage of time. The first thirty seconds feel like a millennium—when the heck is this brush going to ding? By the second ding, I’ve begun walking, or pacing, or thinking, but it still feels like an eternity.

The third ding? I barely even notice it. And the fourth feels like barely an instant.

Of course, each ding really takes exactly thirty seconds, but time doesn’t always act like it should. Just like how the first five minutes of a jog feel longer than the rest, or how the first sentence of an article takes hours — but the rest seems to take minutes.

The Sonicare toothbrush, however, is an example of a Failure-Proof Environment. Once you decide to start brushing, once you hit that on-switch, the brush won’t stop until two minutes have passed. When I use a regular toothbrush, I usually quit after twenty seconds or less, but by constructing a failure-proof environment—in this case, by buying a fancy toothbrush—I built a system that forces me to succeed. Building this system—this failure-proof environemnt—is the key to any habit change.

So, how can you build a failure proof environment? How can you force yourself to build better habits?

How to Construct a Failure-Proof Environment

Think about this: how many times have you promised yourself to eat better? It’s easy for your sane-superego to make a promise on January 1. But you know the rest: a couple days later, someone hands you a cookie. Your insane-emotional-id-self takes over, and forgets what the real you wants. All it can say is “cookie cookie cookie.”

Damn lizard brain.

The good news? There is a way to short-circuit this process. The secret is called precommitment.

Precommitment is the process of making a promise, when you are in your sane state, that will prevent your tempted insane-emotional-id-self from doing something bad. Imagine that on January 1^st, you decide to take a flight to a deserted island, one without cookie-trees. It’s not so hard to say no to a cookie when they are impossible to find.

My first experience with precommitment was during a 28 day trekthrough the wilderness. I had no access to cookies, Facebook, or any other distraction. And I lost 23 lbs in 28 days — my first experience with a drastic environment change. For five days in a row, I was alone in a cave — just myself, a pen, and a notebook. Without access to distractions, there was no choice. I wrote more in those five days than I had written in the previous year.

Precommitment is the process of creating an enviroment that forces you to succeed.

You might not be able to find a month to hike in the wilderness, but there are still ways to use precommitment in your normal life. Let’s take a look at some examples.

Precommitting via the Bet Switch Mechanism

What’s another way to force yourself to stop eating that cookie?

After I returned from the wilderness, I quickly noticed the weight returning. I needed to get back in shape for a TV show I was filming, but I couldn’t just run away into a forest this time. So what did I do? I used the Bet Switch Mechanism.

The Bet Switch Mechanism is simple: you precommit to something using a bet. In the case of weight loss, I promised my friend that for every non-paleo-diet item I ate, I would pay $50 / item. In other words, that cookie wasn’t just a tasty dessert—it was $50. Instantly, my cravings disappeared. I no longer would use the excuse ‘let me just have one…’ before engorging on a mountain of chocolate and ice cream and Love Actually. I lost 15 lbs in 4 weeks. The incident worked so well that I created a guide to help others hack their habits.

I used the same tactic with Leo Babauta — for a week, I had to write for thirty minutes at 9am. Failure? $50. And Leo ended up getting paid.

I use this tactic all the time. Heck, if I don’t finish the article you are reading now by 11:59 PST, I owe a friend $250 :p

Are you trying to finish something, but just not finding the motivation to do so? Find a friend to bet with. It doesn’t have to be money—one of my female friends puts her favorite dress on the line.

You can use stickk.com to find someone to bet with, if you don’t have someone nearby to work with.

Precommitting using the Craigslist Slapper Technique

Still not feeling motivated? Precommit by hiring someone to force you to work.

A few months ago, I hired someone on Craigslist to sit down next to me. Her job was specific: every time I used Facebook, she was required toslap me in the face.

Sure, it sounds stupid, but the act of hiring someone makes you much more likely to actually DO something. With my slapper, my productivity increased by 4x.

Today, when I have a project I just have to finish, I hire someone to sit next to me and force me to work. This way, even if my stupid lizard-brain wants to check Facebook and use Twitter, my slapper — my most powerful failure-proof precommitment tool — keeps me in check.

In the same vein, do you want to start going to the gym? Precommit by hiring a personal trainer for two months in advance. You will probably miss the gym on your own, but you won’t miss an (expensive) appointment with a trainer.

The key here is set an appointment with someone else. It’s easy to not show up to the gym alone, but you’re much less likely to do so if it means disappointing your trainer or friend.

Putting it all together

At the end of the day, it comes down to a decision — are you going to change your habits? Or are you going to live the same way you always have?

If you’ve made the decision to change, check out my Minimalist Guide to Hacking Your Habits. It’s a guide and set of worksheets that will show you the specific processes of habit change, and guide you along the way.

A year from now, you’ll wish you had started today.

30 Things to Do to Keep From Getting Bored Out of Your Skull at Work

The war between being and nothingness is the underlying illness of the twentieth century. Boredom slays more of existence than war. - Norman Mailer

I’m not one to get bored, ever … but a number of readers have written in with the question: What do I do if I’m bored out of my skull at work?
It gave me pause, to think about why I can’t recall ever getting that bored at work. And I realized: I always keep myself busy, doing something, whether it’s productive or not.
Sometimes, I’m creating a new project, or improving myself somehow … but sometimes I just find interesting stuff to read online or find a cool solitaire game to play. (Well, I haven’t played any games in awhile, but Freecell used to be my poison of choice a few years ago.)
So the short answer: just find things to entertain yourself. Keep your mind busy. Challenge yourself. Talk to somebody. Break out of your mold.
The longer answer has to do with analyzing why you’re bored in the first place. Is your job that boring? Are you really doing what you want to be doing? Is there a way to start pursuing something better? Or are you already in a great job, but something or someone is holding you back? And what can you do to improve the situation?
I’m not going to pursue the longer answer in this post, but give you some ideas for the shorter answer. It’s not an exhaustive list of ideas. Just some things I’ve done to keep my mind busy — pick and choose those that might work for you.

1. Create a new challenge. I think this is by far the best thing on the list, but you may differ. Many times we’re bored because we don’t have a challenge — things are too easy or routine. So instead of waiting for someone to create a challenge for you, do it yourself. How can you challenge yourself? Set a new goal at work. Challenge yourself to produce more than ever. Explore new projects. Set personal goals and pursue them. Whatever excites you.
2. Pursue your next job. If your job is so boring you don’t know what to do with yourself, you may need to move on. But instead of quitting right away, start lining up your next gig first. Look around for openings, call people, update your resume and submit it to a few places, pick up a few applications, send out some email feelers. Find something that will never get you bored, something you’ll be passionate about.
3. List your life goals. What is it you want to accomplish in life? Not just with work, but personally? If you’ve listed them before, it’s always good to update them. Then choose one of those goals to achieve this year. Now think about what you can do today to move closer to that goal, even if it’s just a small thing. Get the ball rolling. Do this every day — move yourself closer to that goal.
4. Read Zen Habits. Or whatever your favorite distraction is. If it’s something that will improve your life, even better. Just limit how long you read at one time, so you’re not reading through the Zen Habits archives in one sitting.
5. Declutter your workspace. If I’ve got nothing better to do, I’ll clear off my desk (if there’s anything there), or start looking around critically at everything in view and asking myself, “Does that really need to be there? How can I simplify this?” Weird, I know, but I have an oddly uncluttered workspace. Right now my desk is a table, my iMac, an nothing else. No files, no papers, no office supplies, nothing. Everything is done on my computer, and I love it that way. Nothing on my walls. You may not need anything as spartan as that, but decluttering can be a lot of fun.
6. Pursue a hobby. My hobby (until it became a profession) was blogging … I would do it at work in my spare time, or before or after work. Not everyone can pursue their hobby at work — the model airplane glue might bother your coworkers, for example — but sometimes you can just read about it while at work. I was upfront about my blogging and freelancing at work with my boss, btw, but many people get away with doing it on the sly. I won’t make a recommendation, but just don’t get fired.
7. Make your work a game. You can make a game out of anything. See how many widgets you can crank in 10 minutes. Pretend that your coworkers are evil villains. Imagine that you are a CIA agent in disguise, and no one knows. Or a fairy princess. Whatever floats your boat. :)
8. Educate yourself. On Guam, this is called “edumacation” — it’s not a real word, but we like to play with English. Whatever you call it, you can improve your knowledge online in any area — whether that be work-related or not. Be your own college instructor. Wikipedia is a great place to start, but if you’re going to have a specialized knowledge in anything, branch out from there.
9. Improve your skills. Along the same lines: choose a skill that needs sharpening, and challenge yourself to get better at it. Whether that’s computer programming, writing, working with Adobe InDesign, or whatever. Perfect your skills — you can use it to further your career, get a new job, or become self-employed. Or just have the satisfaction of knowing you’re the best you can be at that skill.
10. Play Sudoku. Perhaps not the most intellectual game of all time, or the most exciting … but I still find it a lot of fun. I only played it a little while and didn’t get addicted like other people I know, but I have to admit it’s a fun way to pass the time.
11. Choose a soothing desktop picture. I like to do this when I’m procrastinating. I will go online, to flickr or some desktop wallpaper website and browse around until I find a very simple, soothing picture. I do this maybe every month or so. In fact, I’m going to go do that right now!


12. Do some pushups and crunches. If you’re bored, you might as well start getting in shape. You can do pushups and crunches right there on the floor next to your desk (or go outside if you’re worried about your coworkers seeing you). Or walk up some steps, or do squats and lunges without weights, or dips in your chair, or butt squeezes (that means squeeze your own butt, not your coworkers’).
13. Take a day or two off. Sometimes you just need to refresh yourself, recharge your batteries before starting again. Don’t do any work while you’re out. Veg out, or read, or sleep, or exercise, or whatever. Get your mind off work. Think about your priorities. Get out in nature. Reconnect with your life.
14. Take a walk. Often this is all I need, especially if I’ve been sitting all day and my blood is pooling up in my butt and legs. I need to get that blood circulating! Go outside, walk around, look at people, look at nature, think about your day and your life and the people in it.
15. Drink some water. Dehydration can make us tired and sluggish. Water can refresh us. Keep that water coming all day long — you may need to pee more though.
16. Call a loved one. What better time to call someone to catch up, to tell them you love them, to just say hi … than when you’ve got nothing better to do. It’s a nice way to stay connected.
17. Read. I like to carry a novel everywhere I go. Then I whip it out anytime I have spare time, waiting at the doctor’s office, in line at the post office, driving in the Indy 500 … you know. If not a novel, carry around a “to read” folder with stuff you want or need to read but don’t have time for right now … then whip it out at your desk when you’re bored. You could have a “to read” folder on your computer too.
18. Start writing your novel. Many of us have a novel that’s tossing itself around in our heads and hearts, waiting to come out. Well, start getting it out, mister. Just start by writing some notes, thinking about characters and plot and what the hell this book is about anyway. It’s not going to come out by itself.
19. Take a nap. If you don’t have a good place to do this, you can curl up under your desk with a sweater, or go to your car and sleep. I’ve learned how to fall asleep at my chair, but thank goodness I’m working at home and can go to the couch in a napping emergency.
20. Create a new project or role. If things are stagnating at work, start something new. Create and innovate. What can you do that has a lasting impact for your company and for yourself, for your career? If you’re stuck in a dead-end role, create a new role for yourself. It doesn’t matter if it’s not in the job description. Find something that’s not being done by someone else, something that needs to be done or that hasn’t been thought of yet, but that would really benefit the company — and take it upon yourself to do it. You might need to talk to your boss, but sometimes you can just start doing something and inform the higher-ups later. If it’s good for the company, and if they’re smart, they’ll be happy.
21. Write a love letter. If you have a significant other, write a letter telling them why you love them. They’ll love it. Email is fine, but pen and paper are even better.
22. Do one small thing to make yourself wealthier. That might be creating a savings account if you don’t have one yet, or setting up an automatic transfer between checking and savings every payday, or researching a money market fund or index fund, or simply reading Get Rich Slowly or The Simple Dollar for personal finance basics.
23. Write a blog post. This is something I love to do when things get slow. I’ll just call up a text file and start writing. I love lists, of course (you guys should know that by now), so often I’ll just start making a list, and writing down my thoughts. If things are really slow, I’ll do the whole blog post. I can always post it later if necessary. Make sure you love what you’re writing about.
24. Do an errand. This can either be in the office (“Where’s that ink cartridge I’ve been needing all week?”) or outside the office (“I really should buy toilet paper today!”). It gets you moving, it gets you away from the scene of your boredom, and it accomplishes something useful.
25. Update your personal finances. I used to track my finances through Microsoft Money, but I’ve since switched to using a Google spreadsheet, so that it’s online and accessible from anywhere. I considered other online solutions, but personally, I like to keep things as simple as possible. However you do it, it’s a good idea to update your financial tracking system once a week or so, so that you know where you stand and you don’t overspend. Got some spare time? Update.
26. Meditate at your desk. Some people would say this is just a fancy term for taking a nap. But for me the key is not to fall asleep, but to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Nothing new-agey about this — it brings your focus back to the present and calms you. Sometimes it’ll calm you so much you’ll fall asleep. I say, two birds, one stone.
27. Organize your files. OK, this might seem boring to many people, but I like to organize things. I get a perverse satisfaction from purging useless stuff and having everything be smaller, neater, and in order. And it doesn’t take long.
28. Clear out your inbox. I get joy out of an empty inbox, whether that’s my email inbox or physical one. Crank through it until it’s empty — you don’t have to do everything in the inbox, but just make a note of it on your to-do list if you plan to do it later (or delete, file, forward, or do it now). Got a thousand or two emails in your inbox? Put them in a temporary folder and do them later, starting with a fresh inbox. Chances are, you won’t need to do them at all. Now just keep your inbox empty from here on out.
29. Crank up the tunes. Some funky or upbeat tunes might just do the trick. They can make any job much more fun. Either play it on your speakers if your coworkers don’t mind, or plug in the earbuds. Currently on my playlist: Radiohead, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Jack Johnson, Snow Patrol … I could go on and on.
30. Get wild! Sometimes we just need to let loose. Start singing at the top of your lungs, or dance around the office. Sure, people might stare or laugh, but a little fun in the office isn’t a bad thing. Or get out of the office and do something fun or crazy. One afternoon of wildity isn’t going to hurt you (well, stay away from things that are illegal or life-threatening, if possible).

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Dorothy Parker

The Not Knowing Path of Being an Entrepreneur

‘If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.’ ~Lao Tzu

Lots of people who start businesses try to control outcomes:

1. A vision for your business’s success.
2. Goals to get you to the successful vision.
3. Try to get the most productive day (out of yourself, or employees).
4. Try to produce certain amounts, or hit certain metrics (pageviews, followers, revenue, sales).

Unfortunately, the ability to control outcomes is an illusion. This is one of the fundamental lessons I’ve learned in my six years of being in business for myself.

You don’t really know how things will turn out.

And this is OK.

In fact, it’s pretty awesome.

Yes, not knowing how things will turn out — day to day, month to month, year to year — is crazy scary. I’m not gonna front. It’s so scary you might wake up drenched in sweat.

But not knowing is what makes being an entrepreneur more amazing than working a regular desk job with a regular paycheck. We take risks, we fail, we don’t know what’s going to happen, we not only put our toes into the waters of the unknown … we dive in, headfirst.

Yes, not knowing is scary. But if you embrace it, not knowing can be liberating, and can be an advantage.

Let’s look at how it’s an advantage, and how to stay present in the middle of the unknown.

The Advantage of Not Knowing

Quiz question: What causes us the most anxiety? Million dollar answer: Wanting things to turn out a certain way. Wanting an outcome — wanting the person you love to love you back, wanting people at your meeting or presentation to like you, wanting a million customers, wanting to be the next Apple or Twitter or Starbucks. This is the cause of our anxiety, because when we want that outcome, we fear that it won’t come true, and we strive for it to come true, and of course it might not.

There are a million possibilities, and wanting just one of those possibilities is a little crazy. What’s wrong with the other 999,999? Will our worlds fall apart if that one outcome doesn’t become a reality? No. We’ll be just fine no matter what.

Seriously. You’ll be absolutely fine even if the outcome doesn’t happen.

So when anxiety comes up, if we learn to let go of needing that outcome, we can then let go of the anxiety.

So advantage #1: we have less anxiety. What happens when you have less anxiety? Well, you’re happier. You are happier when you meet with customers or clients or employees. They feel your happiness. They sense that you’re cool with how things are going. You are less desperate. You don’t need things to turn out a certain way — you don’t need this one sale. You do your best to make it happen, but you’re cool even if it doesn’t.

Other people bet everything on making their outcome happen — but what if it doesn’t? Then they’ve lost everything, with no clear direction of where to go when it fails to happen.

So advantage #2: we aren’t as tied to one bet. That’s a single point of failure. Not a great idea. Instead, we are OK no matter what happens, and so any outcome of a meeting, a project, a launch … we are good with that, and no outcome really messes us up. We flow.

Another problem is that people who think they know how things will turn out … they’re fooling themselves. No one knows.

And that’s advantage #3: we are more honest. Admitting to ourselves that we don’t know is much more honest than thinking, hoping, things will turn out the way we want. Honesty is important because if we’re going to act, we should do so with open eyes and a clear assessment of the situation.

Honesty with customers, readers, clients, employees is important too. Admit you don’t know. They will trust you more, because not only are you telling them you don’t know, you are clearly OK with that. You don’t know what will happen, but whatever happens, you’ll deal with it. That’s powerful.

Those are just a few advantages, but actually the advantages are many. You don’t have to plan as much because not knowing means you realize that detailed plans are useless, and actually a waste of your time. You spend less time worrying, more time executing. You aren’t consumed by the horrible fear that you’re doing the wrong thing, because you learn that there is never a perfectly “right thing” to do — not generally for your business, or specifically right now.

How to Walk the Not Knowing Path

The Not Knowing Path of an entrepreneur is scary, but honestly, what path isn’t?

Here’s how to walk the path:

1. Admit you don’t know. This is obviously the first step, but it’s hard because we often want to think we know, or at least that we can make certain things happen the way we want them to. We think we can will things to happen. That’s not true. Many things fail despite Herculean efforts to make them succeed. We don’t control the future, we can’t know the future. We don’t know. Admit it to ourselves, and to others.
2. Watch for anxiety. When you start feeling anxious (and that will always happen, probably numerous times a day), look inward for the source of the anxiety. What are you hoping will happen that’s making you anxious? This awareness is the key to everything.
3. Tell yourself you’ll be OK. You become aware of an outcome you’re hoping for … now tell yourself that it doesn’t matter if that outcome happens. It really doesn’t matter, even if we’ve made up this story for ourselves that all depends on it happening. It doesn’t matter, and no matter what happens, we’ll be OK. Life-and-death situations are possibly the only exception to this, though I’m of the mind that even death is an outcome that I’d be OK with.
4. Consider worst-case scenarios. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Someone doesn’t like you, doesn’t think as highly of you as you’d like, a meeting ends in anger, a sale doesn’t happen, the business fails. How bad is this worst-case scenario? How likely is it to happen? How would you cope if it did? Honestly, I think you’d be fine no matter what.
5. Know your principles. Take some time to think about what should guide you, if you aren’t guided by trying to make something specific happen. If you’re not tied to an outcome or vision of the future you can’t control, what would guide you? Step back, reflect. What drives you? Why do you do what you do? For example, some of my guiding principles are wanting to help others, wanting to act compassionately, wanting to do things I love, and building trust by doing those things.
6. Act on principles, not goals or detailed plans. Once you have your guiding principles, let them guide you on a day-by-day basis, moment-to-moment. You don’t know how something will turn out when you act, but you do know whether this action is in line with your principles.
7. Breathe, and smile. In the end, not knowing can be scary, but liberating and profound. You are in the midst of a turbulent sea, and are afloat without knowing where anything will go. But that’s always true, even of people who don’t admit it to themselves. So enjoy the ride. Look at the amazing place you’re in, and smile. Because this path of not knowing … it is the path of life itself.

Two Questions to Help You Gain Perspective.

What do near-fatal incidents, self reflection and death all have in common? They all, for me at least, help to put life into perspective. Each of these offers a different view point, for example a close encounter might help us to realise what really matters to us and what isn’t worth the stress. Similarly, self reflection can help us see where we may be wasting time or opportunities and how we can improve on that.

I don’t know if it is just me, but when somebody I’m close to passes away, I cease worrying about all my little problems and stop thinking that the world owes me a favour. Instead, I feel inspired to make the most of this opportunity, because it can disappear at any time.

It is as if the illusion and distorted view I have of reality starts to sink away and things start to become clear.

Over the last year, quite a few people have passed away and moved on to some other place. Yet, up until very recently I never realised quite what it was about death that inspired me to take action in life and stop taking the things that matter to me for granted. The effects of this inspiration never seemed to last very long, but I was always curious about what it was.

After sitting down and pondering over this for a while, the answer hit me. I came across a very simple, yet elegant understanding for what was happening: I was aligning myself with truth.

That is it, the catalyst of life that hit me when someone close passed away. I was simply seeing reality in its true form. The truth that:

• The little problems we have in life really aren’t that important
• Our time on earth is fragile and we should make the most of it
• This is it, this is life, right now

There were more things that became clear to me, but those are arguably the most important. Once I had this realisation, I started to look at how I can apply this simple understanding of truth to propel me to take action in life. After all, simply telling ourselves to “make the most of this opportunity” rarely results in some continued, effective, output.

I decided to look at my current situation and I formed two questions that helped me to really put things into perspective. I believe that everyone can benefit from answering these, the key being that you need to apply the principle of truth in your responses. If you don’t, the only person you are fooling, is you.

Question 1: If someone had a video tape of your typical day, what would they see?

I’m not talking about some bad habits you might have or an argument with a family member, instead I’m referring to your productive actions. Would they see you working hard at in your day job? Would they see you wasting time on irrelevant activities? Would they see you taking action or being complacent because you don’t believe in yourself?

I don’t know what it is about this question, but when I asked it to myself, the answer wasn’t pretty. I realised that in my typical day I can let the smallest things get me down, I waste time checking email that doesn’t need to be read, just to feel busy and so on. I take for granted the roof over my head, the food on the table and the abundance of clothes I can put on every morning.

“How you live each day is, of course, how you live your life”

It is only through honest self-assessment through this question that you can realise where your shortcomings may lie. After that, it is down to you to take this realisation and use it to help you take action and change things for the better.

Question 2: Based on your current actions and behaviours, where would you expect to be in five years?

Note that this isn’t asking where you would like to be; this is taking into consideration your current efforts and looking at where you would expectto be. As with the previous question, answering this requires you being totally truthful.

Unlike my response to the first question, my answer to this was fairly positive. I took out a piece of paper and jotted down both the question and my response. My reply basically stated that I was heading in the right direction (I work for myself and try to help people through my blog) but I could be doing much more.

“You can’t escape the consequences of your actions.”

- Steve Pavlina

Because my business operates solely online, I would often waste time on sites like Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon and even instant messaging clients. I decided to push these out of my life, and even set myself a 7-day self-discipline challenge where I would not use them at all.

If I kept up my current actions for the next five years then I might be maintaining a steady passive income and have helped thousands of people live up to their true potential. Yet, it would actually take the five years, whereas this is probably something I could do in the next one or two.

It is only through giving a truthful answer to this question that I can fix my flaws, rather than living in the illusion that I’m doing my best or everything is as good as it can be.

It may be the case that you’re happy with the answers you’ve written down or worked out, and if so, congratulations. Keep doing what you’re doing. On the other hand, I suspect a lot of people won’t be proud of the results after honestly giving this exercise some thought. If that’s you, then you’ve now taken the first and quite possibly the hardest step to rectify the situation and start creating the life you’re meant to live.

I truly hope that everyone who has taken the time to really ponder over these internal enquiries has benefited from gaining a new, honest perspective about their lives. Now it’s just up to change the things that you feel you should…

How to Change Your Life: A User’s Guide

‘You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.’ ~Mike Murdock

Start with a simple statement: what do you want to be?

Are you hoping to someday be a writer, a musician, a designer, a programmer, a polyglot, a carpenter, a manga artist, an entrepreneur, an expert at something?

How do you get there? Do you write your intention on a piece of paper, and put it in a bottle and launch it to sea, hoping it will manifest? No. The universe isn’t going to make this happen. You are.

Do you set yourself a big goal to complete by the end of the year, or in three months? Sure, but that doesn’t get the job done. In fact, if you think back on most examples in your life, setting big long-term goals probably doesn’t work very often. How many times has this strategy been successful?

I’m going to lay down the law here, based on many many experiments I’ve done in the last 7 years: nothing will change unless you make a daily change.

I’ve tried weekly action steps, things that I do every other day, big bold monthly goals, lots of other permutations. None of them work except daily changes.

If you’re not willing to make it a daily change, you don’t really want to change your life in this way. You only like the idea of learning to draw/speak Japanese/play guitar/program in php/etc. You don’t really want to do it.

So make a daily change. Let’s dig into how it’s done!

How to Turn an Aspiration Into a Daily Change

Let’s name a few aspirations:

• lose weight
• write a book
• stop procrastinating
• fall in love
• be happy
• travel the world
• drink more water
• learn Spanish
• save money
• take more pictures
• read more books

How do you turn those lofty ideas into daily changes? Think about what you could do every day that would make the change happen, or at least get you closer to the goal. Sometimes that’s not always easy, but let’s look at some ideas:

• lose weight – start walking every day, for 10 minutes at first, then 15 after a week, then 20 … once you are walking for 30-40 minutes a day, make another change — drink water instead of soda.
• write a book – write for 10 minutes a day.
• stop procrastinating – I can already hear the ironic (and original!) jokes about how people will deal with procrastination later (har!). Anyway, a daily action: set a Most Important Task each morning, then work on it for 10 minutes before opening your browser/mobile device.
• fall in love – go somewhere each day and meet/social with new people. Or do daily things that make you a fascinating person.
• be happy – do something each day to make the world better, to help people.
• travel the world – save money (see next item). Or start selling your stuff, so you can carry your belongings on a backpack and start hitchhiking.
• save money – start cutting out smaller expenses. Start cooking and eating at home. Sell your car and bike/walk/take the train. Start looking for a smaller home. Do free stuff instead of buying things.
• drink more water – drink water when you wake up, then every time you take a break (once an hour).
• learn Spanish – study Spanish sentences in Anki and listen to Pimsleur tapes 10 minutes a day.
• take more pictures – take pictures at lunch (but dear jeebus, not of your lunch) and post them to your blog.
• read more books – read every morning and before you go to bed.

You get the idea. Not all of these are perfect ideas, but you could come up with something that works better for you. Point is, do it daily.

How to Implement Daily Changes

This method is fairly simple, and if you really implement it, nearly foolproof:

1. One Change at a Time. You can break this rule, but don’t be surprised if you fail. Do one change for a month before considering a second. Only add another change if you were successful at the first.
2. Start Small. OK, I’ve said this two bajillion times. No one ever does it, though. Start with 10 minutes or less. Five minutes is better if it’s a hard change. If you fail at that, drop it to 2 minutes.
3. Do it at the same time each day. OK, not literally at the same minute, like at 6:00 a.m., but after the same trigger in your daily routine — after you drink your first cup of coffee in the morning, after you arrive at work, after you get home, after you brush your teeth, shower, eat breakfast, wake up, eat lunch, turn on your computer, first see your wife each day.
4. Make a huge commitment to someone. Or multiple people. Make sure it’s someone whose opinion you respect. For example, I made a commitment to studying/coding PHP at least 10 minutes each day to my friend Tynan. I’ve made commitments to my wife, to other friends, to readers of this blog, to readers of a newspaper on Guam, to my kids, and more.
5. Be accountable. Taking my programming example with Tynan … each day I have to update a Google spreadsheet each day showing how many minutes I programmed/studied each day, and he can (and does) check that shared spreadsheet. The tool you use doesn’t matter — you can post to Facebook or Twitter, email someone, mark it on a calendar, report in person. Just make sure you’re accountable each day, not each month. And make sure the person is checking. If they don’t check on you, you need to find a new accountability partner or group.
6. Have consequences. The most important consequence for doing or not doing the daily habit is that if you don’t, the people will respect you less, and if you do, they’ll respect you more. If your accountability system isn’t set up this way, find another way to do it. You might need to change who you’re accountable to. But you can add other fun consequences: one friend made a promise to Facebook friends that he’d donate $50 to Mitt Romney’s campaign (this was last year) each time he didn’t follow through on a commitment. I’ve made a promise to eat whale sushi (I won’t fail, because eating a whale is repugnant to me, like eating a cow or a child). I’ve promised to sing a Japanese song in front of strangers if I failed. The consequences can also be positive — a big reward each week if you don’t miss a day, for example. Make the consequences bigger if you miss two straight days, and huge if you miss three.
7. Enjoy the change. If you don’t do this, you might as well find another change to make. If the daily action feels tedious and chore-like, then you are doing it wrong. Find a way to enjoy it, or you won’t stick to it long. Or find some other change you enjoy more.

That’s it. Seven pretty simple steps, and you’ve got a changed life. None of these steps is impossible — in fact, you can put them into action today.

What daily change will you make today?

‘A year from now you will wish you had started today.’ ~Karen Lamb